Pastor's family also a calling

By Scott Turner

April 06, 2006 11:27 am

— I'm not going to speculate about what went on in the home of Matthew and Mary Winkler.
Most of you already know that Mary is in custody in the shooting death of her husband, the minister at Fourth Street Church of Christ in the small town of Selmer, Tenn.
Law enforcement officials know the motive that they say led her to kill her husband and then take off for Orange Beach with their children. Many people, I know, have already drawn their own conclusions.
I won't do that.
This case hits home for me for two reasons. Matthew Winkler and I are both graduates of Austin High School in Decatur, although he graduated many years after I did. We both have also pastored churches in small towns in the South.
Much of the speculation has centered around the pressures of being a pastor's wife.
I don't know if that contributed or not, but I can tell you from experience there is a great deal of pressure on a pastor's family as a whole. When I accepted a call to pastor, I found out there were several things they didn't tell me in the brief time I went to seminary.
Your entire life is scrutinized, from the way you dress, to the Bible you use, to how your children behave in public.
I once had a parishioner tell me that wearing a clip-on tie was "unprofessional" one morning after a service. I quickly learned how to tie a tie and haven't worn a clip-on since.
I've had pastor friends tell me never use a version of the Bible other than the old King James version when preaching at another church where you don't know the congregation very well. There are some folks out there who believe that the Lord spoke 17th century English rather than Aramaic. (For the record, I still love the old King James because some of the verses just don't have the same sound coming from a modern translation).
My ex-wife was told early on not to wear anything but dresses to a service at another church so to not to offend the congregation. To her credit, she always wore one to every service we had, no matter how formal or informal.
I remembered being scolded when my then 2-year-old son went rolling under the pews in the sanctuary with my then 5-year-old step-daughter after the evening service. Don't get me wrong, a sanctuary is a very special place where we should be reverent, but I still figured they were being just kids. That's just only a small part of the "advice" we received on how to raise our children.
There were times when I received complaints about my wife on what seemed trivial matters. I was constantly being critiqued by members of the congregation about how I carried out my duties, how I dealt with people, my social skills when it came to attending functions in what could be termed as an "Old South" town.
There were times when I was criticized for "sharing when I was discouraged."
A pastor should always be an "encourager" I was told.
I took comfort in the fact that others before me, Moses, Elijah and Jeremiah, were also known for getting quite discouraged at times during their service to the Lord.
I didn't mind the pressure, because I understood it went with the territory.
But I also know that it took a toll on my ex-wife, and it impacted our relationship greatly.
That's why I have a deep respect for the pastoral couples in our community. They realize that the calling on the pastor is a calling on the rest of the family. They also realize the pressure of living a life that is an open book.
That's why we need to also realize that they are real people, too.

‰ Scott Turner is the managing editor of The Cullman Times. His column appears on Thursdays.